|
|
Saturday, June 12th, 2004
|
|
|
Dear Journal,
You seem to be merely floating along with no direction. I don't know why.
I used to use you all the time... now I barely update anymore.
I think... No, I know.
I don't need you anymore.
It hurts to say that, but it's true.
I'm not depressed, nor am I longing to die anymore.
I'm happy. I'm unbelieveably happy.
This doesn't mean i'll lose you, or forget you.
Just thought you should know that I am better now. Thanks.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
I've decided that listening to Tori Amos too long is bad for me.. makes me depressed.
It's been so long... Almost a stranger.
Accidentally read a post Debra made about me in her dj a long time ago, all about how I ripped her heart out and blah. the comment I had made was about how I never meant to hurt her and whatever. She was always melodramatic. Painfully so.
I hate her SO much... and I miss her, too. Not enough to get walked on, or listen to her bullshit, or associate in any way with someone who willingly associates with melissa. I miss her because we had so much, for so long... I keep putting the blame on her, though. I'm sure some of it belongs on me. maybe she is a better person without me. I know I'm better without her. Lonely, but better.
And I'm not that lonely, because I have Dan, who takes care of me in every way possible. ^__^
I still remember the good times with Debra... I try to forget the bad times. I want to remember what we had as a happy thing, because it nearly always was... Maybe it was time for us both to move on. But jesus, did she have to fall in love with melissa of all people? she always predicted that someday we would stop seeing eachother for a long, long while, and then later in life we'd meet again. I don't think she meant it to happen quite like that, though.
I hear and see so many things and they disgust me, because they remind me of melissa. I hate all things about her, around her. I hate myself around her. Why do I say what I do? Why do I give myself up to the hurt, especially since I don't have to? Why do I try to make peace, when I know it will not work...? I don't want her around. I want her to go away and to never, never see her again. Ever.
My closure will be the buurning of everything I ever wrote about her or while I was with her. It will be... satisfying.
I really hope Karma brings her the misery she keeps asking for.
Enough about melissa. Moving on.
The thing is, I can't have yet another bitter entry in my journal about her. It is tainting. So, we're going to think of another subject with which to balance out the ugliness.
Recently got into Tori Amos... interesting singer. She ahs some very fucked up songs. And while her vocals are sometimes off-kilter, the music is always beautiful. but depressing!! I'm getting morbid and depressed just listening to it. BLARGH!
Back to Debra... If we meet again in life... maybe we'll talk. We might play catch-up, go out for a short lunch, who knows. But we'll never be best friends. I like to say she ruined that, but maybe we both did. I'm better now. I'm doing well in school; I'm in a wonderful, steady, lasting relationship; I'm much more happy, shown by the lack of usage on my journals; and whioe the future is scary, it isn't full of dread. I don't wake up and start hating the day. I live now. I live for me, for my happiness, for Dan, for my mom, for people who really care about me. I don't dream about or wish for death anymore.
I am better now.
And I'm glad.
Good for me,
~Chiizu
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
|
|
|
Um....
long time no see, eh?
Schools.... school, really.
Hmm.
Cheese?
Right.
for fun, visit homestarrunner.com and check out strongbad's email. You will be entertained.
>.>
Joy.
~She who needs a new name
|
|
Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
|
|
|
Chris's mom died. Sadness.
Um...
I'm back in school, YAY!
I'm SICK! Grr.
Dan won't be able to come visit me this weekend because of a family thing. This makes me sad. I would go visit HIM in a heartbeat if I had the means, but I don't. No driver's liscence yet (though my driving is definately improving!! Except for braking. >.<) and Mom's gonna be too busy with her work to drive ANYWHERE, much less out to California and back, considering we'd have to do it in pretty much one day. Wouldn't even want to ask her for that.
I don't want him to miss the family thing. I want him to have fun with them and enjoy seeing them and stuff. But... DAMNIT I WANT TO SEE HIM!!! Why this weekend, the weekend that I'm sick??? Cause when I'm sick all I want is to cuddle and snuggle and such. And besides, last weekend I was a bit of a bitch and I really want to make it up to him.
Major Suck-O-Meter.
Not only that, but he's working 12 hour days for work for the next two weeks, so we don't get to talk as often because he needs sleep and such... This is just a really fucked up schedule.
I can't wait until his work's busy season is over and we start hitting Thanksgiving and Winter vacation. That will be nice.
*sigh*
I'm done ranting.
~The SICK Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
What a fucked up past day I've had.
Chris's mom is in the hospital. Chris is probably still AT the hospital. I was there with him for ten hours or so. I was up for about twenty-four hours at that time, plus heavy emotional trauma from Chris, doing my damnedest NOT to freak out cause Chris needed me, trying to think of what to say, wanting Dan to be there to make it better, next to no food... I was in a bad state. Chris was worse, though. God it's been scary. and they still don't know what's wrong.
She's stable and sedated now, but still. Jeezus.
I got home at around... six thirty or so, and slept for eight hours. Then I woke up, and talked to Dan for a while, and now here I am. Tired, hungry, and worried. >.<
I'm gonna give Chris a call around eight or so... hopefully someone'll be able to tell me what's going on.
I need some food. >.<
Food and sleep will be nice.
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Dan drove out from Cali on Sunday. ^___^
We had lots of fun! We went shopping for a little bit, spent a little bit of time in his hotel room, went out to dinner with mom, and then suprisingly, she let him spend the night with us. We fell asleep on the couch together. And according to mom, we were "too cute to wake up and separate."
Then he had to leave monday around two so he could get to work on time (he works a late swing shift), and that was kinda sad.
He drove straight to work from my place, about a four and a half hour drive. He works in Hollywood. ^__^ And of course, the ONE NIGHT he had the "longest commute in Hollywood history", they ask him to work overtime. Not just any overtime, either. He started work at 7:30pm, and ended at 8am. We had been awake since about 8 that morning. He didn't get much sleep Saturday/Sunday, either, because he wanted to be here at 7:30am.
That was just... O.o;;;;;
I felt pretty guilty about that. And he's like, "Don't. Please. It was worth it to be with you, and besides, it was my choice." ^____^
But he ended up getting about five hours of sleep, and then waking up and going back to work. >.< Yeesh.
That was pretty much my weekend. Nice weekend. ^__^
And then this morning, he asked me about Akiima. I had told him that it was gonna be a WIERD story, to say the least. He said it was alright, and if I was comfortable, he'd like to know. I gave him the abridged version. I talked for an hour and twenty minutes. >.<
But he didn't freak out, not even after I told him about Sumpter and Lorune AND Cass. Even Ally, my 'daughter'.
I was really thankful for that. It was... good. To get it off my chest. To finally talk about it and be done with it. It's like.. now that I'm not sitting around brooding about how I'm going to tell him, I can close a little bit more of that chapter in my life.
I got on a tangent there, didn't I?
Aaaaanyway, life is good. Really good. ^__^
Monkeys in spandex,
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, July 24th, 2003
|
|
|
Got the OVAs or OAVs or whatever the hell they're called!
Dan bought them for me as a surprise gift! It was so sweet, and I totally wasn't expecting it. very nice.
I watched Death and Rebirth, and that was good. And then I tried to watch End of Eva, but my computer was just FUCKING UP. Actually, I think it was the DVD. Didn't want to let me watch it in Japanese with English subtitles. Finally after fighting with it for quite some time, I was able to watch it my way. Well, part of it, at least. Had to stop in the middle to do other stuffs on the computer.
And I just LOVE Asuka's sudden butt-kicking skills. Very cool. Total epiphany moment for her. It was like, "You GO, bitch-child!!"
Shinji's pissing me off, Rei disappeared with the asshole doctor, and the Eva series has been completed, apparently.
Need to finish watching it all soon.
The End for now.
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
|
|
|
Um.. hmm... I think I may have forgotten to mention that the Dan I'm dating is the Haggis from faire... ^.^;;;;;;
And funny, I called him a manslut acuz of his reputation, but then I felt all bad because he doesn't deserve that rep, and it makes him feel bad, too. Well, I mean, if that was MY reputation, I'd be pretty annoyed too, especially if it was pretty much unfounded.
Why does he have that rep then? Cause he's MR. PR, and he can be a schmoozer sometimes, even he admits it. His large, LARGE fanclub doesn't help matters.
But you know, now that I know him, I feel bad that I ever thought of him that way.
Anyway.
Um.
He came and visited me for his birthday on the 9th. I took him out to eat at Hakase, a nice Japanese place. We had fun, and it was nice to go on a date with someone who wasn't whining!!
So... *big yawn*
I'm gonna go work on my story now. ^___^
^__^
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Fuck me with your really large penis, Batman.
But Robin, you're so young.
Please Batman. I need you.
Oh, Robin.
Batman. More, Harder.
Yes Robin. I'll go harder.
Faster Batman. Please.
Robin. Oh Robin.
Batman. Oh yes Batman.
Superman!! I mean, Robin.
O.o
~~~
"Fuck me with your really large penis, Batman!"
"*choke* WHAT???"
"Um, nothing. Nightmare, that's all."
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
|
|
|
Um.. hm.
I had something to write about. Damnit.
Oh well. Something else, then.
I've become an escape artist. ^.^;;
Not that magician whose name I can't spell-type, not the kind who gets out of trouble easily. An escape-from-life artist.
It's ruining my life, but hey... at least I have fun, right? *rolls eyes*
I miss Ren Faire. Do ya think anyone would mind if I just ran off and jouned a.. um... ren faire-circus-thingy? I mean, hell, *I* would be having more fun. And I'm sure that it would solve a few problems at home, too. I mean, I could keep in touch with my mom, but she'd still be able to marry her b/f right away. I'd be out of all those angry people's lives forever.
And it would be a LOT less final than death.
You know what? That's my new dreamy-thing. Cause suicide is against my religion, and it's probably bad to wish for death. But running away to a ren faire-circus-thingy... much happiness without all the annoyance.
Sure, there'd be drama, and lots of it, tons of politics and such, and manual labour, but... I don't know. It'd be Ren Faire. And if the faire started to lose it's magic acause of all the shit, then I could run and join a real circus. Or maybe I could work my way up and become the Queen. Then I'd be like, "You bitch, on your knees!" And they'd listen, cause I'd be Queen. At Ren Faire, of course. Though I *could* try for Queen of England, but I think you have to be born into that or something.
But seriously. No plans beyond that, just running away to join a faire-circus. Even better, I'll work for one of the vendors, one of the ones with manual skills and stuff (or even like the poets gulidy thingy) and learn the trade, and make my money that way. Hey, it really won't be much, but I'm pretty sure that if I became succesful I could manage a meager living out of it. Maybe I could even move in with some other Faire orphans. Then it'd be like four people sharing an apartment, and we'd all work at faire and stuffs. We'd all probably have jobs at department stores or some such to help us pay for stuff, but our main jobs would be at ren faire. And if we got good enough, we could even open business outside of faire.
I really like that scenario.
I'ma dream about that, take a nice long shower, and think of a few plans to help me execute my dream. And hey, I may even make enough money to buy anime sometimes.
~The Angel of DOOM
PS- I would never, EVER watch Utena in English... *shudder* That's just SICK.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
| Subject: | La |
| Time: | 4:43 pm. |
| Mood: |  cynical. | | Music: | t.a.t.u. - How soon is now?. |
|
"Like a game of Pick-Up Sticks
Played by fuckin' lunatics!"
~T.a.t.u. - Show Me Love
Hey, if fucking lunatics will help me win, then... I think I won a looong time ago.
^.~
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
Your goddess of imaginary light
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
~Evanescence - Imaginary
Such an awesome song.
Fits me.
It's late. Got to go.
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
| Subject: | wow |
| Time: | 1:24 am. |
| Mood: | just........ yeah.. | | Music: | La Ley - Siempre. |
|
You know, I've come to realize something.
I'm SO intent on making sure that people don't think that I think the world revolves around me, that I don't claim any part of the world for myself. I just expect people to give it to me, to give me a piece of the world that I can call my own, to give me attention and such.
But firstly, I keep pushing it away. And secondly, people won't give you that sort of thing, not for long, anyway. You hafta take it. There's just nothing else you can do.
So I really can't complain when people don't give me attention if I just shove it away. I'll have to find the balance between Narcissism and a healthy self-interest.
I've just been trying so hard to not let others view me in ways that I hate to view other people. So I went to the otehr extreme.
*great big gusty sigh*
I wish I could have Danny.
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
I didn't mean to. Really! I couldn't help it!
I got a message in the mail today. The subject was: "reduction services for consumers with excessive balls"
Gaping, I opened it up...
Only to find that it really said: "reduction services for consumers with excessive bills"
I was a bit disappointed. :(
*sigh*
There is SOOO much work I hafta do before the end of the school year, and I simply do NOT want to do it. I mean, I'm working pretty damned hard on getting better physically. I'm tired. I'm doing excersizes and getting up fuckin early and walking and moving and all that shit. I don't want to work on homework as well.
What happened to the good ol' days when I could get by with only doing a small amount of homework? When the tests, which I'm good at taking, counted more than the actual work? When as long as you knew the material well enough to test on it, no one cared about the damned work?
Yeah, I'm lazy, I know.
Ugh. Even worse, we now have bugs in the apartment. I hate bugs.
There's some stuff about Gary, but I don't even wanna bother typing it.
I had a VERY interesting dream last night, and it involved all the G-boys, so I'm debating whether or not to post it on DJ. I wonder how Pilot would react to knowing he had been forced to cross-dress, and had actually been female in parts of the dream? *shrug*
It's so wierd that Porcelain has Duo. I mean, Duo's my absolute FAVORITE character of just about any anime. Not from the anime, actually from all the fanfiction I read. I have to stop myself from glomping the hell out of him. He's just so damned cute.
*rambles all around*
I wish life would just stop. So I wouldn't have to think about it, I wouldn't have to deal with it, and I could just sit around and enjoy something without feeling guilty about it. I wish that for a day, an entire twenty-four hours, life would just... stop. The world wouldn't stop turning, but all of the issues and problems that people have to deal with would just be put on hold. No work to do, no situations to think through, no regrets, no worries, no standards to try and meet. All that stuff would be put on hold, and it would be twenty-four hours of complete leisure.
I would say in my dreams, but even my dreams are plagued with worries and doubts and anxiety!
Damn.
If vacation didn't have it's own set of anxieties, I'd go on one of those.
I'm gonna go read fanfics for a while, then settle in to stare at the ceiling, and maybe eventually sleep.
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
( random quiz )
I'm too laxy to actually *do* stuff on my jounals, so I'm off to go read fanficcies and eat snacks and such.
I'll be non-lazy tomorrow. Hopefully.
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
...for the weekend. Well, for Saturday. Then I might be spending Sunday with Rizer. Cause I promised. And such.
You know, S was talkin about unforgivable injuries and she brought up parents. ANd that made me think of my dad. My biological father, really.
I was thinking about what he did to me, and I don't know if it fits in on of those catagories. Hell, I don't even know if what he did would be considered an "unforgivable injury"... I mean, I've sorta forgiven him already. Sure, I'm still pissed and such...
He did what he did. It wasn't my fault. He just had serious problems.
Well, every now and then, when I think about it, I wonder if I just wasn't... enough to make him stay. Was I not loveable enough? Not cute enough? Too loud, too whiny, too clingy?
I guess it really has affected me more than I realized. Even if it's not conciously, it still kinda dictates parts of how I act today.
You know, there are days when I want to FIND him. Just see him. Not say hello or let him know that I found him, just observe him. See how he's doing. I have this little fantasy that he's finally found a family and he stayed with them, and I have half-brothers or sisters somewhere out there. And he's actualyl a good father to those kids.
But I know that's shit. If anything, he probably has a half-ass job, gets drunk every night, has a parole officer and a new girlfriend every week. He most likely lives in the worst part of town in a tiny apartment that he shares with three other guys. The only thing they keep in the fridge is beer, and the only sort of plant they keep in the house is pot. They also do drugs, constantly. Has he ever shown up to work sober and not high?
Then there are times when I want to find him, meet him. Demand to know what the fuck he was thinking. Demand to know why he left, why I wasn't enough. Ask him what the hell his problem is. Ask him why not once in eleven years have I recieved so much as a goddamned postcard? No calls, no letters, no birthday cards or christmas cards. Hell, we didn't even get child support.
But I know the answer wouldn't be satisfactory.
But most of the time, I don't think about him. He doesn't cross my mind. It doesn't occur to me to worry or even care.
He made his decision eleven years ago.
I wonder if he even remembers me...
What would he say if he could see me now? Would he be proud of me? Would he think I was pretty? Would he tell me that he misses me?
Or would he ask what I wanted, offer me some money and walk away? Would he tell me that I might not even be his kid anyway, because he and mom were swingers before I was born? (Mom and I talked about it, and she says she's pretty damned sure that he *is* my father, because of the way I look and act sometimes.) Would he tell me to fuck off and leave him alone?
Would he say cruel things, whether he meant them or not? Suggest that maybe the reason he hadn't called was because he hadn't wanted to?
Well, whatever would happen, it's just specualtion, and I plan on keeping it that way.
Gotta go eat.
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Fer the first time in a while, I feel uber-sexy. First those guys at faire, and now Rizer... I must be putting out an extreme cute-ness vibe. Well, they all called me cute...
Which is rather annoying, seeing as I am *NOT* cute. I swear! Puppies are cute. Hearts are cute. Bishounen are cute. I am NOT cute!!
Sure, I may have my cutesy moments, but I am not cute.
Five-year-olds are cute.
Well, that wasn't the *only* thing they called me at faire... ^.~
About Rizer...
It was hilarious when he was trying to tell me he liked me. He was so adorable! But I don't know if I should believe everythign he says. According to him, he hasn't had a girl since he met me a long time ago, even though he tried. Yeah, uh-huh. Suuuuuuure.
I mean, some guys might do that. Some guys might even do that for someone like me, although that's rather un-likely. But Rizer? For me? I dun't think so. He may have been single for quite some time, possibly since he met me, which I greatly doubt, but I'm pretty damn sure it *wasn't* by choice. I'm not saying he's not a good guy or that he's undesirable, but finding girls in this city is like trying to fish in a mirage.
That made me think of blow-up dolls. *twitch*
I'm hungry.
*dances*
Feel my shecksay-ness! *throws vibes of pure shecksay at all of you, turning everyone into mooing cows, as opposed to mewling cows.*
Now you are all slaves to meeee!
You! Suck my cow! XD
~The Angel of DOOM and Goddess of COWS
|
|
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
|
| Subject: | damnit |
| Time: | 2:54 pm. |
| Mood: | Just go away. Please. | | Music: | Papa Roach - Last Resort. |
|
Go AWAY!!! Leave me alone!!! I don't want you anymore!
"Maybe you'll find a friend with whom you're willing to make it work."
I WOULD be willing to make it work if it wasn't so goddamned painful all the time. I was willing to make it work through eigth grade, the hell of all hells. Cause the good outweighed the bad. Back then, it did. All the time. There wasn't even a question. But for the past couple months, the bad has been outweighing the good by a LARGE margin. That's not even a question anymore.
I don't know, maybe I'm just a wuss for not wanting to put myself through that anymore. But it's so fucking hard to believe that things will get better, especially while she's around. This isn't her fault per say, but there are a lot of wounds that I carry from dealing with her. And I'm damned sure she carries a bunch from me, too.
I know that good friendships aren't always a piece of cake. But aren't they supposed to be enjoyable most of the time?
And you know what? I was doing so good without you! Things were going so well. Yes, I was hurting terribly, but I was getting better.
Let me quote lyrics to you.
"Sometimes
You gotta set free what you love
Just to bring it back.
Oh, would you ever lose me
Would you ever let go for that?"
~ Nine Days - Sometimes
I'm leaving soon. I hafta go get ready.
Gods, this sucks.
~The Angel of DOOM
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Do you think I can get discounts on earmuffs?
Fuckin random tonight.
I want to go get laid.
By guys in kilts.
I don't know why, that just sounds like fun.
Rizer can go screw himself.
*I* certainly don't want to screw him.
Though I believe Cass does.
*cruel smile*
Seriously, I've been thinking about it. A LOT. Being screwed by guys in kilts, that is. I mean, that whole weekend has got me... bothered. In a nice way. It just won't leave me alone! I've even had dreams about kilt-clad men. Fuckin wierd, I tell ya.
They're nice though, the dreams. Put me in the perfect mood for reading yaoi. Of course, they make me never want to leave the bed cause they're so... nice, but hey. I hardly ever get out of bed anyway. ^.~
*purrrrr* niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice...
I'm gonna go sleep, and dream nice dreams, then wake up and read nice yaoi while having nice thoughts. Hee.
Have a nice night,
~The Angel of DOOM
This use of the word "nice" has been brought to you by: The Powers That Should Have Been
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
| Subject: | Oh please |
| Time: | 1:23 am. |
| Mood: | pissed yet amused. | | Music: | Nickelback - How You Remind Me. |
|
Really Zoe, you're starting to sound like me. For Crissake, shut up and stop thinking I hate you. That's fucking pathetic and you know it. You KNOW I don't hate you. So just stop thinking it.
Jeezus, and here I thought that I had really fucked up this time and hurt you oh-so-badly. Yeah, I hurt you, but please. You're whining just like I used to do.
"Oh, she must hate me because she got pissed at me blah blah blah".
You know, I was beginning to feel SO bad for you. So angry at myself, so sad that this had ended.
But that's fucking sick.
I admit that I did that in the past. If I didn't admit to it, and if I hadn't gotten at least partway past it, I wouldn't be so annoyed at you right now.
And I thought you had changed. Apparantly not.
Damnit, I wanted to be sad. Because something BIG is ending, and that fucking sucks. But now I'm pissed. Damn you.
Just for the record, I *never* hated you. I think some of my friends might have, but they *did* only hear my side of the story. And I usually only post about people when they seriously piss me off. So they would have listened to me rant about you. Which you KNOW I do. I never hid that from you. You also know that I don't mean most of what I say when I'm like that.
I'd give you the benefit of the doubt, and say you were doing the same thing, but we're not friends anymore, according to you. So why should I give you anything?
Fuck. This is almost hilarious.
I was feeling so bad about myself. After reading that shit, it's much harder to be angry at me.
Fucking A. Practically perfect.
Live well.
I hope you get over this shit.
Really.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
aspectedangel's journal
good.
anxious.
predatory.